Month: July 2018

July 29, 2018

When you don’t get to say goodbye

It’s been two weeks since she’s been gone. It doesn’t feel real and it’s taken me this long to find any words at all. There’s already been so many times I’ve thought about calling her and then my heart breaks all over again when I realize she won’t ever pick up the phone again. I always had to call twice because she could never get to the phone in time. She was busy in the garden or taking the dogs out or just waking up. She never called me because she said she didn’t want to bother us if I was trying to get Brig to sleep.

I just don’t understand why she had to leave us so suddenly and without saying goodbye! There are so many things I wanted to tell her. Like how much I appreciate everything she did for me over the years, and how thoughtful she was, and how glad I am that she could meet my husband and my baby, and how sorry I am for not showing my appreciation nearly enough. I pushed her away so many times. She always had an opinion or advice to give especially when I didn’t ask for it. I think that bothered me because of how she also taught me to always think for myself and have my own opinions. But I know she only did it because she cared about me. When you’re growing up though, you don’t realize that your parents have feelings too. She protected my feelings. I never knew I had to protect hers too.

It’s just not real. I still feel like she’s just over the mountains at her house, doing what grandmothers do. She was supposed to live forever. She was supposed to hold all of my babies. She was supposed to see my babies grow up. I was going to help her do so many things at her house. “When I come back next time…” I’d always say. I did what I could to help her with computer stuff over the phone but it was always too hard to explain. I always had her make a list of things we were going to do together when I came to visit next time.

Did she know? Did she know that she would be leaving us so soon? Why didn’t she tell me how bad it was! Why didn’t she tell me to come there sooner! It’s times like these that living out of state or out of the country for that matter is so hard. I’ve been so far away from my family for so many years that you forget that the years are numbered. Time passes by. I know she was proud of me though, for going out into the world and not being afraid of taking chances and living a life of adventure. I know there are more things she was supposed to teach me. She taught me so much already though. I just wish I had let her into my adult life more. I wish I had shared a little more with her.

She was one of the strongest women I’ve ever known. She was a protector. She never let me know if anything was wrong. Sometimes it felt like I was living in a bubble because she never wanted me to worry about anything. Was it an illusion or was it just Love? One thing I do know is that she loved me very much. She raised me from when I was just a baby and I had a good life growing up.

There are SO many memories. Like how she taught me how to make oatmeal cookies, and the best pie crust, and how to wrap presents, and how to make believe. I remember the places we used to live. I remember going on the boat in the summertime up to the San Juan Islands and playing on the docks poking at sea anemones on the pilings and catching crabs with my net. I remember going off to school and the lunches she would pack for me. All of the visits from the Tooth Fairy and Easter baskets and Christmas stockings from Santa. The Halloween costumes she made for me. Birthday presents and ‘just because i love you’ surprises. I remember her letting me get black jelly beans every time we went to the grocery store. The crafts she would make with me. Watching Disney movies. Taking her snorkeling in BVI for the first time, and taking her hiking to the top of Saddle Rock so she could check it off her bucket list. And then there is so much I don’t remember. So many memories I took for granted. I thought she would ALWAYS be there. She wasn’t just a mom or a grandma. She was Bean. She was different.

I don’t know why Cancer affects so many people. It happened so fast. So suddenly. No one knew what was going to happen or how soon she was going to be taken from us.

It’s not fair. I’m only 35 and the two people that raised me are both gone. I’m lucky to still be so close with both my mom and my dad but it’s different, it’s just not the same. I lived with my grandparents growing up and now they are both gone. I’m angry and sad and numb and in disbelief all at the same time.

Now i’ve got a beautiful family of my own – a wonderful husband and a sweet sweet little boy. I know my grandparents were so proud of me. I just wish they could see. I wish they could see they did such a good job and that i’m so thankful for everything they taught me.

This past year has had so many life altering events for me. The birth of my baby, losing our home in Hurricane Irma, the passing of my Grandmother, and so many other monumental things in between. Some days I don’t know how to find the strength to get me through. Some days I forget that there are so many other people in this world that have much greater struggles. On the other hand some days I can’t be believe how blessed I am. Life is a funny thing. Everyone has a story. “Everyone you meet is afraid of something, has loved something and has lost something” so before you judge anyone, remember they have feelings too. Hug your loved ones tight. Tell them you love them all the time. Don’t take one second for granted.

Rest In Peace, Bean. I love you.

You are home now, free of pain and back in the arms of the love of your life.

Jeanne Frostad

“Bean”

4.4.44 – 7.16.18

Forever, your little one.

July 18, 2018

Sailing South and other thoughts

Here we are smack in the middle of July and well into the Atlantic Hurricane season – a time of year where we should’ve already been heading South. Peter and I discussed our options months ago and we both agreed that moving South to Grenada in June was the best thing for us this year. We’ve already spent two Hurricane seasons down there and we absolutely love it. It may sound like a simple plan to pick up anchor and set sail but things haven’t exactly unfolded the way we had hoped.

We knew we bought a project boat. We knew she needed some TLC to bring her back to the condition we knew she was once in. What we didn’t know was just how many other unforeseen repairs and upgrades would be needed along the way. The money we got back from our insurance claim on our last boat helped us to buy this one and get back on our feet but the cost of additional repairs has far exceeded what we had left over. Because of this, Peter has been working pretty much full time here in St Thomas in order to pay for the extra parts we needed and for our weekly groceries. I thought BVI was expensive but honestly I don’t see the food here on St Thomas being much cheaper at all. With a paycheck-to-paycheck budget and with Peter gone all day at work it’s been very difficult to get everything done to the boat that we want or need to do.

We thought we were finally ready to go. With three days left in the month of June we left our favorite spot in Christmas Cove and pointed off toward Grenada. The weather window was promising and our friends Rob and Deb from Cosmos Mariner were buddy-boating down with us. About two hours into the passage South when the seas started building, Peter noticed a significant amount of saltwater pouring into the vberth. How much you ask? Like a gallon a minute. It was pouring in from the dorad boxes and about four other places every time the bow sliced through the waves. The seastate wasn’t terrible but we also weren’t used to a boat that buried the bow so much. Our Whitby didn’t sail to wind this way. This boat was made to slice through in such a different way. Peter also never had these issues on the passage from Antigua to the VI because it was all downwind. We had done a small shakedown but nothing offshore in this direction. Brig was getting frustrated with having to stay strapped to me in our Lillebaby carrier and Peter determined there was no temporary fix he could do while under way that would keep that much water out of our forward cabin for the next 2 and a half days. At that moment he decided it was better for us and for the boat to turn back, make some repairs and wait for the next weather window. *sigh*

No big deal except for now our insurance wouldn’t cover us after July 1 in a named storm if we stayed “inside the box” instead of getting down to the lower latitudes. I immediately got a rider for our policy allowing us to be covered for another month in USVI – another unexpected added expense – and Peter began making repairs. He serviced the frozen dorad scoops so they could be removed and the covers installed closing them off. He recaulked our forward hatch at the base and along the top of the glass. He recaulked the windlass controls. He recaulked the staysail connection to the deck. He pulled up and rebed our two forward cleats, both of which ended up badly needing new bolts. And lastly he pulled up, serviced and rebed the windlass!! That was a NIGHTMARE job but really needed to be done. All I can say is thank goodness my brother Brandon is still here because he’s helped Peter every step of the way, to make this boat safe for all of us, as quickly as possible.

Our weather window is finally here. This time Peter doesn’t want Brig and I to go. Instead, he insists that we fly down to Grenada and wait for him there. It should only take him 2.5-3 days and then he won’t have to worry about us if the waves are miserable. My brother is still here with us and will do the passage too. Our friend Mike from Three Sheets Sailing is also going to go along so Peter can actually get a little sleep and take real shifts. My brother will be able to help a little but he’s never done anything like this before so entrusting him with the responsibility of being on watch when he doesn’t know anything about navigation or sailing isn’t really fair to him. I fly out in two days with Brig. It will be a very long day with one ferry and four connecting flights to hop down island but the good news is we will get to spend the weekend with our friends from the Sunkissed Soeters!! Brig will have so much fun with Darcy and Luuck’s boys, Stormer and Rio and it’ll be good for me too.

I get it… I understand Peter just wants to keep us safe. It’s a new-to-us boat and he wants to gain a little faith in our boat first before taking his baby out to sea in it. I also know it would be very difficult to entertain a one-year-old on a passage to wind. The first attempt a few weeks ago was challenging and that was just a couple of hours worth. Going below to use the head and to change Brig’s diaper just one time was very tiring. But part of me also feels like i’m failing at “cruising with kids” if I can’t even do a little 3 day passage with my baby. SO many other families take their babies on passages longer than this all the time so why can’t I? I know I shouldn’t feel that way and that I’m not failing and that we just need to do what is right for our family. But it’s hard to not think it. Oh well. It doesn’t even matter anymore. It’s another extra expense for the plane ticket but it’s just money right? Peter will just work a little more.

By Monday we should be all settled back on our boat together as a family in a Grenada. I can’t wait. ❤️